But I’m an adult now…..
All throughout life I had crazy vivid dreams, some good, and some bad. I could never explain them but I could always remember them. Sometimes I felt like someone was near me so I would turn around just to find no one standing there. In the shower I would peek out 1000x times because I was POSITIVE someone had entered the bathroom.
The older I got the easier it was to dismiss all of this.
“I just saw someone walk around that corner! No, you’re making things up again.” This was a constant struggle in my head.
There were times it was stronger than others and times it didn’t happen at all. I found totally normal ways to deal with it…..what is normal anyway? Here was my nightly ritual, at bed time I had to watch something super bright and happy right before I turned the t.v. off. I triple checked all the locks on the doors, I checked under beds and in closets, each time telling myself I was crazy and there was no need for this. It helped though, it reassured my adolescent mind that there was nothing to fear and there was no one in my room. ( I say adolescent but I shamefully admit I did this into my early 20’s …. we all have our quirks, ok?!)
So, because of this nightly routine and compulsiveness I developed a little OCD. I knew exactly where things were and could tell if they had moved an inch. This helped me to know if “something” was in my room or if it was just a smelly little sibling trying to be sneaky. That’s right, I know you guys went in my room! Anywho, I digress…. eventually this quit working and the nightmares increased and I started hearing things again. I eventually had to tell my mom, her first instinct was for me to see a doctor.
“Clearly this kid is allll kind’s of messed up” the doctor must have thought, because he prescribed a powerful sleeping medicine and antidepressant. This did not work. At all. I repeat…AT ALL. The sleeping medicine made me fall into a deep deep sleep, but the dreams didn’t stop. My manageable dreams turned into seriously scary nightmares. Here’s the kicker, when you’re on sleeping medicine you can’t really wake up! So here I am an already awkward teenager who is now a zombie during the day because I am seeing zombies and all kinds of other freaky things in my sleep at night and there is NOTHING I can do about it!
Well what about the antidepressants? Stupid. Yup, I said it. The medicine didn’t work, so we tried another, and then another. Can you guess whyyyyy they didn’t work? Ding ding ding, BECAUSE I WASN’T DEPRESSED, I was just in contact with spirits. No big deal. Obviously I didn’t know this at the time but I made the executive decision to quit taking the pills anyway.
(Disclaimer: I am not giving any medical advice or telling anyone to stop taking the medicine they may need. This is just my experience.)
Grandma, is that you?
The dreams, the whispers, the feelings of being watched never went away. I basically lived in fear and thought I was a whack job for quite a long time, you know that now so let’s fast forward about 5 years.
My grandma had been very ill for a few years, she lost the feeling in her legs and had trouble walking/standing, she was so heavily medicated she would say some pretty crazy things. She was truly my best friend so watching her deteriorate was pretty tough on me. My grandma did so much for me that when the time came it was my turn to help take care of her. I was about 16 when she started getting really bad…I’m not going to go into details here but let’s just say it is hard being a teenager trying to take care of another person especially one you love so much.
One day I just decided I hadn’t hung out with my grandparents in a while so I called and asked if I could come to dinner. I didn’t know why but I NEEDED to go over there. When I got there my grandpa told me that my grandma had a stomach thing going on so she wasn’t eating. I went back and talked to her and before I left I said “Grandma I’m not going to give you a kiss because I don’t want to catch the flu but I love you and hope you feel better.” “Thank you baby, I love you too drive careful ok?” she replied. I kissed my grandpa goodbye and I drove home. I didn’t know it yet but my grandma’s spirit was the one who pushed me to go to dinner that night.
The next morning I was at work and got a call from my mom…she didn’t say anything except come home. I shrieked. I knew what had happened. When I got there I was suddenly calm, I walked into her room…she looked so peaceful. I kissed her and told her goodbye.
The day of her funeral I didn’t want to go, I’m still not sure why but I just didn’t. As I was getting ready I heard her voice. I remember talking back and forth with her the entire day in my head dismissing it as “wishful thinking.”
Well that was depressing, let’s talk about something a little more upbeat….this is where it starts to get good! A few months later I moved back into my grandparents house with my grandpa. I had the room above the garage, in this room there is an attic door that is on hinges and has a knob and everything…ya know, like a real door. So one night I’m sleeping and having another one of my crazy dreams and in pops Grandma! She is laughing sooo loud and in the dream I ask her to please be quiet because I’m trying to sleep. I know, not the best way to talk to your grandmother who is visiting you from the other side. It didn’t stop and I actually woke up. I hear this creaking and it’s loud… I look and the attic door is literally MOVING BACK AND FORTH. No the fan wasn’t on and there wasn’t a draft. I sat up looked at the door and said “Grandma stop, you’re freaking me out.” THE DOOR STOPPED. THE FREAKING DOOR STOPPED MOVING. I laid back down totally excited, confused, and a week bit freaked.
That is when I knew for sure that I had some kind of gift.