Failing As A Mom. The Truths No One Tells.
My name is Ashley Strong. I am a mom of two amazing kids and…I run a business that only works if I am “on” all the time. Being a mom is absolutely rewarding, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything but sometimes being a mom is really hard. Kids are fantastic and having a couple of mini you’s running around is honestly pretty cool. Some days though you just want to run far far away and find a nice quiet cave to hide in because, to be honest, there is a lot of noise that comes with those mini you’s. There is a lot of running around and a lot of getting up when you’re just trying to eat one meal. Frankly being a mom is the most rewarding yet exhausting job I’ve ever EVER had.
I thought I had it all figured out with my first little guy. I am positive now that the universe was laughing at my confidence level the entire time.
I was grounded, mostly on time for things, and well put together. I stayed in a positive and spiritual state almost always (once I figured out how to be happy that is). My little guy slept through the night, he only rarely had temper tantrums, and he was chill – really really chill. He is pretty much the perfect child, but I feel guilty saying that.
As humans, not just moms, we have a tendency to compare oranges to apples. We compare ourselves to people living entirely different lives than us who have taken entirely different paths. After we compare then, we either judge them, or we judge ourselves.
It used to make me so angry when my mother in law would continuously compare my son to his older cousin. “They are not the same people” I would think. Now, I find myself doing the very same thing that used to make my skin crawl with my youngest and then I beat myself up about it.
I am an intuitive development teacher and intuitive life coach, but I am also still human. I make mistakes, I break down from time to time, and on a rare occasion judge myself.
My little girl tried to warn me how feisty she was going to be while she was in the womb. The signs were all there; it took what felt like forever to conceive her, she made me so sick the first 3 months, and she never let me sleep after month 4.
I also connected with a spirit guide before she was born that told me she was going to be a feisty little girl. This spirit guide said she was going to be someone so special and so connected to all that is. I was told that she would be like no one I had ever met before and love me like crazy.
Little did I know that this was the baby that was going to give me a severe run for my money. I now recognize her as a great and wondrous teacher in my life. There were moments no seasons where I was so depleted that I let myself think that I was failing. I admit over the past year that I, Ashley Strong felt so disappointed in myself.
I felt like I was failing my son. He was so awesome and didn’t get mad or jealous about anything, and that made me feel even worse. This may not make sense to you but being the oldest sibling, I know what it feels like to be left on the sidelines simply because you’re self-sufficient. I tried to make more time for him, but the constant split in my attention left me drained, on edge, and feeling even more guilty.
The sinking feeling of failure again set in when I cried my eyes out and snapped on everyone around. I snapped because I hadn’t had more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep in months. No one deserved my moodiness, and I knew it. The empath in me completely sank.
I felt like a failure because this baby wasn’t sleeping all night like my first baby. Over and over I asked myself what I was doing wrong. I again was comparing apples to oranges. Two different babies two different personalities. Still, failure set in when I the one who was supposed to be the caretaker was in tears because of the constant screaming.
I was making no time for myself and felt like there just wasn’t enough of me to go around. It seemed to me that no-one in my life was getting my best version. In hindsight, however, I was doing my very very best.
I gave everything I had to those around me. When it came to my clients and the business I gave every ounce of energy I had. I made damn sure I was still being who everyone else needed me to be as best I could.
The problem was I started leaving myself the dust. I love working so much. I love to write and create, and I didn’t have the space for it. I value so so much my “me” time, and I preach it to everyone I meet. I couldn’t find time for me and left I was getting lost in motherhood.
Occasionally I got so angry at the lack of time and energy that went towards myself that I started to resent being a mom.
I know. It’s a terrible, terrible thing to feel but it’s not talked about enough… Would I ever trade that apple and orange for anything? Heck no! I love the mess out of them, and they are in part my reason to keep going. They make me a better person. Honestly, though, could I have used a little more time to myself in those dark moments? Absolutely!
I wasn’t going through postpartum depression this time around (not like last time anyway) instead I was getting my world rocked by having two kids. Reality hit me like a ton of bricks.
I still have my days, but mamas things get easier, they do.
At nine months I caved and bought a sleep program which sounds ridiculous, but my daughter was waking up almost every hour. AT. NINE. MONTHS. It worked and is the best $100 I’ve ever spent!
I started waking up at 5:00 AM to meditate, do yoga, and go to the gym. 5:00 AM just to find some me time. This is crazy talk for someone who is the opposite of a morning person, but it changed. the. game!
I started asking for more help from my husband, and he was happy to oblige. I felt guilty but why? Why do we do this to ourselves?
Being a mom is hard whether you’re a stay at home mom, a working mom, or both – like me.
My little princess is everything I heard she would be. She is spunky and loud…oh so loud. In moments where my 5-year-old is talking, and the baby is screaming I pray for silence, but I know that one day I will miss this so much. I also pray that she never ever loses that spunk. I pray she is always the girl that speaks her truth and stands in her power until she is taken seriously. I admire this in her already.
I am happy to report that we are all sleeping through the night now thanks to SleepSense. Had I known it would only take a few days I would have done it months before!
My spunky little girl started rolling at 2 weeks. She started crawling around 3.5 months. The kid was walking almost running by 9.5 months. My Princess-Pea is genuinely-truly amazing, and I admire her so much. She is my sidekick, and I’m not sure anyone has ever loved me the way she has.
My little apple and orange are my most excellent teachers thus far. They teach me patience, self-control, and to love myself. When I look at how they are thriving, how they are kind, and how they smart oh so smart I am proud. Proud of them and proud of me.
I mean, come on y’all my son tells me in the car the reason he is quiet is that he is looking at the trees and how beautiful our world is. In those moments I know I am not failing.
We are human mamas, and we get to have off days, weeks, and even seasons. The best thing that we can ever do for our littles is to get and be happy.
A gift we can give to them is to teach them how to truly feel their feelings and then handle their emotions by being an example.
We can forgive ourselves and shift into gratitude for them! In a tough moment, I invite you to shift.
Look at your child and tell them the reasons you are GRATEFUL for them and the things you LOVE about them!
I did this last night with baby girl when I was utterly exhausted, ungrounded, and honestly felt like I had nothing left to give. I held her, I looked her in the eyes, and I said the following affirmations.
I am so proud of you
You are so strong, and I love that you picked me to be your mommyThank you for making me a stronger person by showing me my own strengths
I appreciate you!
You are so beautiful in every way
You are funny and make me laugh
I think you’re really athletic already kid you’re going to do great things
I admire your dedication and perseverance
You make me happy!
You give the best snuggles!
I loved my pregnancy with you (minus the sickness she didn’t need to hear that)
Thank you for being the best sister to your brother he loves you so much
You’re keeping me so active!
You have the cutest feet!
You get the point! I just kept saying positive affirmations to her until I shifted, and so did she. I kid you not she went from screaming and flailing to smiling and looking up at me with those big bright eyes.
We both shifted because energy and intention are far more powerful than we realize! Did my one-year-old know what I was saying? Probably not but she was responding to my change in energy!
We affect those around us to very much with our energy, and we have got to remember this!
Give yourself a break mama you’re doing your best! Write or say a few positive things about each member of your family for a few days and watch how your world shifts! You’ve got this! Keep going!
Happy Mother’s Day!
Love, Ashley