I just found out I am a people pleaser.
Oh, hello there, are you a people pleaser? You may be and not even know it…I sure didn’t! Somehow I have been a massive people pleaser since I was about five years old and had no idea. If you had asked me, I would probably say I am the opposite of a people pleaser. Alone time is my mental vacation. I do things purely for me regularly, and growing up, my mom deemed me selfish (though I never thought I was). Now I realize that people-pleasing can come in many forms and can be incredibly sneaky!
Am I really a people pleaser?
When I think of people-pleasing, I think of someone totally overextending themselves for those around them. I think of someone who has an empty cup with no intention of filling it back up. People-pleasing paints a picture of a selfless individual who just wants to make sure everyone is okay in an effort to take the attention off of themselves or make sure those around them are well and happy for other subconscious reasons.
I am not that person. Self-care is my jam, and I love putting myself and my health first to be of service to others. After all, we can’t pour from an empty cup!
I am a people pleaser in that I feel the need to make sure everyone thinks I am friendly, happy, and kind no matter what the circumstances are.
Recently I was talking with a good friend about a situation that was cutting me to my core. Someone had accused me of something and was harassing me over social media to make a long story short. To be honest, I had never experienced anything like this in my life!
I read the initial message, and my first response was to apologize (for something I didn’t do). Then I needed to make sure this person knew that I felt her pain. After that, I told her who I was as a person. In my mind, she was going to write me back apologizing and telling me that she made a mistake.
No such thing happened. The person who messaged me was not pleased in the least by what I had to say.
Instead, she got meaner and nastier, especially after I tried to disengage and preserve my energy. I set firm personal boundaries, but this was a significant trigger for me. My stomach hurt, I couldn’t focus, and I allowed this one irrelevant situation to ruin my whole day.
I was so distraught that I messaged my friend at 6:00 AM her time to tell her the whole situation and ask for guidance. Immediately she wrote back that the other person’s actions and feelings had nothing to do with me. I knew this on a soul level, but on an Earthly level, I had a strong need to fix it.
My friend listened to the whole story and called me straight out on my people-pleasing!
“You care way too much about people thinking you’re nice! I heard it from the backstory…you’re always worried about other people being comfortable and not about how you feel. You’re a people pleaser! Do the shadow work!”
Whoa, y’all! I did NOT see that coming, but she was right! I have a strong need to make sure people are comfortable, and I remain kind in all situations, no matter how much I am getting energetically beat up. I know better than this, but until now I couldn’t see it!
I did the shadow work and realized that I am a low-key people pleaser. That ends now!
During meditation, I was led into some pretty deep childhood experiences with my inner-child. I had the realization that I grew up around so much noise and anger that I do everything I can to dissipate it.
The inner-child in me also had significant abandonment issues that led to the people-pleasing side of me.
I got this very profound message during meditation:
You have got to become comfortable with other people being uncomfortable. Everyone’s burdens are not yours to bear.
I will apologize for how others feel, whether it’s my fault or not. This shadow side of myself has shown up by diffusing all situations for all people in a way that makes everyone feel comfortable. It’s time this stops because it’s wearing on my soul.
Spirit often gives us painful situations to help us crack through a lesson we have not been willing to learn, which often triggers awakenings.
For the last 25 years, I’ve been carrying this weight of needing others to feel comfortable as a means of control in my life. My inner-child says:
If they are comfortable, they won’t leave, and things will be stable and predictable for you.
What the what? The Ashley I thought I was is tough, paves her own way, and removes toxicity from her life in the snap of a finger. I am still her, but I’ve uncovered this whole new layer, and really I am excited about it!
I LOVE SACRED SELF-HEALING! It’s a chance to grow and expand, and to me, that is exciting.
I hope that if these words spoke to you and you realized you might also be an undercover people pleaser that you do the work to expand and to shift.
I will always aim to be nice and kind, and loving that is my true nature. Overall though, I will strive to be of service, which means sometimes I will have to stand in my power. Showing up in my power will allow me to be more authentic and hold a mirror to others when needed.
Never let anyone walk all over you, and don’t apologize for what isn’t yours. I will leave you with this question from my friend:
What if there were nothing to defend? Then what would you do?
I would have to sit back and surrender I suppose? Aren’t we supposed to be doing that anyway?
With so much love and gratitude, Ashley
